Pyjama Mummy

Yes, No, Maybe - So confused

2009-05-11T20:40:00.002+10:00

Macgyver and I have started discussing ttc again. This will be pregnancy number 5 to put my body through, our 6th child though, with Diva. The number sounds completely excessive, though we all know that we don't really have 5 children at home full time now. With Laurent being a shadow of a memory; framed footprints on my shelf, the most we'd ever have is 5 children at home. Then there is the fact that Diva moves between our home and her mothers, so that takes us down only 3 children that are here all the time. So a 4th doesn't really seem too full on. We already have the car to carry an extra child, and could make space in the house for some minor renovations.

None of these factor in the one feeling I feel strongest. F-E-A-R

At first I was really excited to be talking about ttc, and I was sure that the happiness would soon outweigh that fear. I am not just scared of losing another baby, though that does play on my mind. I am scared of the physical aspect of yet another pregnancy. I worry at how Li'l Miss would react to sharing me. I worry that there is simply not enough of me to go around. I think ahead to the days of waking the sleeping baby to pick up children from school, the sleepless nights, the physical recovery after giving birth, the complete and utter exhaustion that comes with a new baby.

So if all these things are saying no, why does part of me say YES. Now, now now I am being urged. I was startled into bringing up ttc with DH when a friend announced her pregnancy and a due date of December this year. I couldn't get over how long away it seemed that her baby was due. I had this urge to throw out my b.irth con7rol pills and get pregnant that cycle, so that I could still try to squeeze a due date in this year. I feel like I need to do this NOW, that I will regret it if we don't add to our family soon.

Will having another child negatively affect my older children? Is it unfair to put them through the stress of another high-risk pregnancy? Monkey often expresses his desire for a baby brother. Is his wish for a brother some un-spoken wish to replace the brother not here? Should we take into account the standard of life we would not be able to give our children if we have another baby. Holidays are hard enough with 4 children, how do you find room for the 5th...

I feel so torn between the could'ves, maybes, can-we's, should-we's. I don't know how much fear is hindering this decision, or how much common sense is making me re-think it. I just don't know how to make this decision and be happy with it. Macgyver is not a lot of help. He is happy with whatever I choose. He loves our children and would be happy to have another one, but is happy with our family as it is too. It's always been my decision as I am the one that goes through the pregnancy.

The worst thing is the more I type, the harder this decision is to make. The more confused I feel. Why is this so hard?

Still here... I think

2009-04-16T17:53:00.002+10:00

Yes I am still alive. I have had so little to say (write) these days that I have remained AWOL from blogging.

I am unable to stay away today. Laurent's 3rd birthday. It's so hard to believe that 3 years have passed since I held him in my arms. Wow. It's just insane to think it's been so long. It still feels like yesterday.

I am thankful that this year I have something so positive to look forward to after today. DH's graduation ceremony is on Saturday and I have had this to look forward to for so long. We didn't get the chance to celebrate after his final exam. Too busy moving house, and he started working only 2 days after his finals. So this is finally a chance for us to look forward and celebrate his achievements and success.

Several weeks ago DH received news that he was being honoured with an award too. So we also have a formal awards ceremony to attend on Friday night now. I am so excited about this. I can't wait to see him walk across that stage to receive this award. It is a prestigious award and I am thrilled to see his work be recognised in this way. I am bursting with pride for him.

And that is really all I have to say. Li'l Miss continues to delight and amaze us and I am forever laughing at her antics. The boys are growing up so fast on me, and are so independent. Life is (mostly) good.

Ahhhh

2008-11-13T09:05:00.003+10:00

Thank goodness for Dora the Explorer, GO Diego go and Shrek. They are the only things stopping my little miss from unpacking every single box as I pack it, and climbing the packed and taped-shut boxes!

Two more days, just two more days and then I can go through all the fun of UN-packing it all. DH's last exam is tomorrow *doing a happy dance* and I am so excited. He is not quite excited yet, as there is still that exam to get through. It is his hardest of this semester, so he is studying all day today and probably half of the night. But after that - it's ALL OVER.

I can't even begin to tell how proud of DH I am, not only completing university with a demanding wife and several children in tow. But also for getting through it during two pregnancies of mine, one with Li'l Miss being the most stressful thing I have ever done. He has stayed on track and completed assignments and attended lectures even while I am sure his brain wasn't properly functioning following Laurent's birth. He has made it without complaint and without a huge amount of help and support from me during times of stress and grief or when we had sleepless nights with Li'l Miss etc. He has managed not only to pass and complete the course, but has done so with honours. So I'm feeling pretty damn proud of him.

Leaving on a jet plane..

2008-11-11T17:47:00.001+10:00

Well, in our normal family station wagon LOL, with the moving truck following behind.

Only 4 more days until we move house. The boys are looking forward to it, and are really excited to get to our new home. I am simply resigned to the fact that I have an entire house to pack up and then unpack. Ah moving is such a PITA.

No improvement with the drama I mentioned in my last post - in fact things have gone decidedly downhill. It's gotten to the point that I have simply cut all contact. I refuse to waste my time and energy on such petty pathetic nonsense. I am saddened that I have lost what I thought was a good friend, but clearly I was mistaken about this person.

Macgyver has only 1 exam to go - just ONE exam and then his studies are all over. I am so looking forward to that. It does seem somewhat surreal and un-believable at times, but I am so counting down the days- 3 to go.

Stepping back

2008-11-05T11:25:00.003+10:00

In an attempt to be 'the bigger person' and not regress to childish schoolgirl fights (though admittedly the urge is there), I have decided to take a step back from a situation involving two close friends.

Why then, when it's my choice to remove myself from the situation, do I still end up feeling rejected and betrayed? It's not that I expect them to fight for our friendship, but at least hearing my side of the story would've been nice.

What is it about me, that leads to friendships just disintegrating? Over the last 2 years I have lost several close friends, over the most inane of issues. What is it about me that causes people to take the first disagreement we have as a 'get out of jail free' card in regards to our friendship? Yes I may have become harder work upon my induction into the club of dead baby mama... Is that reason enough to lose this many friends?

I am getting pretty good at feeling sorry for myself.

Less than four weeks.

2008-10-22T23:27:00.002+10:00

That is all that is left of Macgyver's studies. In 23 days he will be sitting his very last exam. I am beyond excited that this period of our lives is going to be over. I am so happy to say good-bye to textbooks and assignments and exams and all the stress and grumpy that goes along with all that.

I can endure another 23 days of feeling neglected, unappreciated and lonely. I can continue to do 99% of the parenting, chauffeuring, refereeing and disciplining of our children, not to mention the homework help, the housework and the conflict resolution. I can even put up with Macgyver's short temper, shorter attention span and general stressed-outed-ness.

Adding to the stress factor is the fact that we move house in 24 days.

I have been looking forward to this time for so long. I cannot wait to say good-bye to the cranky, surly, easily-annoyed, has-no-time-to-breathe version of my husband and say hello to the normal, easy-going, sweet, humorous, supportive husband I know is in there!

Trying to make peace

2008-10-08T20:29:00.003+10:00

How do you make peace after a disagreement with a friend, where you will NEVER see eye to eye? I am trying the forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones and agree to disagree theories and getting nowhere. She is angry at me for my vehement disagreement with her 'inductions suck' stance and cannot even see why I might find this comment insulting and offensive.

This friend of mine, is so crunchy I think she invented granola. You will not find a bigger earth mother than she. She tried to convert me to these and homesch00ls her child. She lives on a farm, raising geese and duck and grows much of her own produce. I cannot even begin to tell you all that she does that is natural and earthen and holistic. Earth Mama all the way!

Currently expecting her second child, she is planning a home birth and I say Good for her! But her stubborn refusal to even add a disclaimer to her broad-ranging-insult-any-mother-of-intervention-birth-never-mind-the-fact-it-saved-her-childs-life-and-dont-even-get-me-started-on-c-sec7ions statement of Inductions Suck rubs me the wrong way. It isn't even her opinion on this, but her adamant refusal to see how she might offend several if not MANY people with these sorts of comments.

And even worse than this, is that since our disagreement, it feels like our mutual friends feel they have to take sides. I'm pretty sure I was done with high school quite a few years ago, so why do some women keep the habits of cliques and high school dramas.

It's been interesting though, the side taking. I actually met my Earth Mama friend through another dead baby mama and one would assume a fellow dead baby mama would be supportive of my stance of interventions are ok when needed, but no apparently I am on my own in this.

I am so very over feeling that one small disagreement will mean the unraveling on one group of my friends. It really has shown me how petty people can be.

Feeling alone

2008-10-06T18:57:00.002+10:00

Having a poor me moment. Feeling a bit alone and unsupported.

DH is not available emotionally, or physically as the clock ticks down on his final semester at university. The stress and worry on his face bothers me, but he won't let me in, nor allow me to reassure him or offer any sort of comfort. I know he feels that a lot is riding on this, and yes in a way it is. But if he did (heaven forbid) fail a subject, the world won't stop, and the family around him will not disappear. He would simply have to do it again, next year. Yes that would be so frustrating - a feeling of time wasting. But it wouldn't be the end of the world.

I find myself saying hurtful things in an attempt to get through to him that he can't block me out the way he has. I demand more time than he has to give at the moment. I am turning into the epitome of what I DIDN'T want to become, the shrew of a wife, nagging and berating her husband for all sorts of petty things.

I can hear the children playing, mostly happily, down the hall. The delighted squeals of Li'l Miss make me smile, followed by her big brothers stern voice and ordering around of her. Occasionally I hear the sound of crashing and thumping as the boys mock wrestle and the even higher pitched squeal of Li'l Miss telling them off.

I just feel so detached from it all though. I am bothered by a disagreement between myself and a friend and worrying over something I cannot change. I wonder what it takes to find friends that can get through such disagreements. I have lost several friends in recent years, or lost the closeness once shared. It makes me wonder if it's me? Do I push people away? Do I expect too much from people? I don't know. I am feeling particularly pathetic tonight, and then hating myself for feeling so. No win situation that.

We move house in 6 more weeks. I am sad to be leaving. This is the house I fell pregnant with Laurent in, and where I spent weeks doing nothing, in sheer exhaustion of the mourning. The place I brought Li'l Miss home to, and where all those firsts have happened. First steps, first words etc. I never had this sort of sentimentality before. Leaving the homes I brought my older babies home to never struck me this way. Is it some left-over process of grief? Some inane desire to hold onto any and everything I physically can hold onto, while missing such an important part of me? Is it an unhealthy sentimentalness? Or a "normal" one. I don't know.

I am concerned I will end up even more isolated in our new place. We ended up finding a place further out of the city than we planned, further away from Diva, and her school, yet DH is still convinced that the children should still go to Diva's school. It means nothing to him that I will now spend just under 2 hours a day ferrying the children to and from school. Never mind the havoc it will wreak on Li'l Miss's nap-time and schedule. Never mind the fact the the traffic often stops at that time of the day and my trip could be extended out even longer than that time. I am "just" a stay at home mum, my time isn't as precious as his. I know that it is important for the boys to have that time and connection with Diva, but I don't see how them going to the same school as her is going to help. Diva's school is on the way to DH's work, and I know that she currently spends time in outside-sch00l-hours-care. It would be NO extra effort for Macgyver to drop her off and pick her up on his way to and from work. But he seems unwilling to consider it. It looks bad to the mediators and courts if we don't put the boys in the same school.

The house is lovely though, with so much land for the kids. There is space for them to play and ride their bikes and without even leaving the property. I am thrilled that we have such space for the children.

2008-09-12T12:28:00.003+10:00

Is that all?

2008-08-23T13:54:00.002+10:00

FOUR posts in all of 2008? Really, is that ALL I've posted? Where does the time go?

I can't even blame a technological malfunction, or no internet connection, just plain and simple procrastination.

Oh where to start? Li'l Miss is walking and running everywhere now and rules the house with a sharp squeal. She is very quick to let us know if she is displeased by something and her big brothers are wrapped around her little finger. The Boss keeps me on my toes, with the never-ending questions he has, while Monkey continues to show us a charming mix of little boy and mature old soul (yes he's only 6 years old). Diva has become ever more of a diva - who would've thought that was possible. She is a unique child with many different facets to her personality.

Macgyver is in his final semester of study and I am so very excited it will be over in a few short months. Until then, I continue to fight for his spare time to be spent with the children and I, but alas there really isn't much spare time that he has! He is very excited to have already been given employment in his dream job. So much for having a break between study and working... Now he is to start work only one week after his finals. That would be ok, if we weren't re-locating in that time to be closer to his job. I am really unimpressed with this pretend single-parenting to be honest. I am not so good at playing the 'supportive wife' that just happily takes on more and more responsibility to fulfill her husbands dreams. It would be nice if this parenting gig was partially shared, after all I didn't make these children by myself!

As it is, I am here alone on a Saturday, while Macgyver is at a study group. I just really wish he could learn to stick up for us and his time with us, instead of just fitting into everyone else's plans. Is that selfish of me? To want him here with us, to have his hands-on parenting to give me some mental space.

Mothers Day - late post

2008-06-02T21:44:00.002+10:00

Mothers day this year was probably my best by far. Macgyver made breakfast in bed, with the kids help. Both the boys had gotten me a little gift from school. Monkey gave me a coffee mug filled with lollies, on the grounds that I share them with him. The mug said 'worlds greatest mum'. The Boss gave me a bookmark he'd made in class. "I love my mummy because she makes yummy cakes and is pretty." Its lovely to have my entire parenting, cooking, nurturing, reminding, encouraging, listening, caring and least of all cleaning, summed up into that. But who can blame him for saying his mummy is pretty :D

Macgyver well and truly outdid himself in choosing a card this year. Not only did he actually write on it and remember to give it to me (NOT like last years*), but he found the most fitting, perfect card. The kind that tells me how well he knows me. It had a silver dragonfly on the front, something I associate with Laurent. "They are the boy versions of butterflies don't you know Mum"

And the most perfect part of all, that bittersweet reminder of my baby boy - his tree flowered for the first time on Mothers Day. I can't even describe the feelings of love and wistful wishing I felt when I saw that first flower opening.

*Last year Macgyver bought me a lovely mothers day card, then froze when it came to writing on it. One of the boys, managed to get it near our dog, so it has this perfect muddy pawprint on it, but not one person signed it. I know that Macgyver just felt awkward, not knowing should he sign Laurents name or not. The first mothers day after Laurent was born, he took the kids out and bought a card and signed it from all of our children. Since having Li'l Miss, and obviously moving through the different stages of grief, I just don't think Macgyver knew what would be acceptable. It was definitely a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation in his mind. He is not often so uncertain about anything, and seeing that side to him just made me realise that he is vulnerable too.

The day between...

2008-04-15T16:19:00.002+10:00

The 15th of April. The day after Good Friday two years ago. The day I laboured for 12 hours to bring my still, silent baby into the world. Into the world in the physical sense, when he was already gone.

Due to the kids school, we couldn't go to Laurent's grave for his birthday tomorrow, so we went yesterday, on what I tend to think of as his 'death-day'. Tomorrow I will do nothing, nothing but be gentle with myself, sit and have a quiet cuppa with two dear friends who are travelling to spend the day with us. Other "dead baby Mamas". Then on Sunday I will return the favour for one of those friends. Our loss dates, situations, subsequent babies are all so similar it's eerie. We both lost our third son, then went on to have girls. Our precious boys were born within several days of each other. Her baby boys name is the name of one of my living sons, and her name is Lauren, when I lost Laurent. Strange coincidences?

Two years ago... Isn't this pain supposed to lesson? Those that say it gets easier lied - or never lost a child. I think this years birthday has hit me harder than his first. But then again, I had a two week old baby in my arms that day. Now she is a feisty one year old with a will and personality of her own. Really drives home the fact that I will never know Laurent's personality. What his laugh would sound like, who he'd take after. These things that are so much more tangible on those anniversary days.

I miss him so much....

Happy Birthday Li'l Miss

2008-03-31T18:04:00.003+10:00

Li'l Miss reached her first major milestone this past weekend. She is no longer my little baby, but as long as she isn't quite walking I can pretend!

We had a get-together of family and friends, to celebrate her turning one. Li'l Miss adored being the centre of attention. I've never seen a child her age be so interested in having happy birthday sung to them. But she loved it. She sat on her Daddy's lap, grinning and wrinkling her nose at everyone around us. It was very sweet. I'd post photos of her party, but of course that is when the camera batteries chose to die. So I'll have to wait til friends email me the pics they took.

Here are some pics from Easter and her one year portraits though!

Today

2008-02-01T20:28:00.001+10:00

Stop over and send Basilbean your love and thoughts thoughts today.

Thinking of you my dear friend, and of course Mr C and your precious little man William.

Christmas with a sub-baby

2007-12-18T10:28:00.000+10:00

Li'l Miss is almost 9 months old and I wonder where the time went! She is such a joy and brings so much love and laughter to our lives. People stop us in the streets to talk to her, or comment on her facial expression, or the fact that she can fit her whole foot into her mouth. It's unreal seeing her personality emerging, and her will starting to show through. The best part of seeing this, is seeing her big brothers and sisters amazed and delighted at each new milestone she reaches. The Boss is often heard making up little songs for Li'l Miss, and Diva will carry her around from sun-up to sun-down if we let her.

This Christmas season has snuck up on us all, yet again. The Boss will turn 7 this week. I'm certain that I'm just not old enough to have such a grown up boy. Then Monkey turns 6 only a few weeks into the new year. Where have my baby boys gone? What happened to the chubby little hands that wanted to hold mine? When did they become so tall and independent?

I am finding the season somewhat confronting, as I get to enjoy so many new things with Li'l Miss. It really makes me aware of what last Christmas should have been like. Wow, last christmas was a suck-fest in my house. We did an early Christmas with our kiddies, so that we wouldn't have to drag all their presents to the in-laws and then home again. Santa remembered that we were at Grandma's for Christmas day though, and made sure to come there instead of our home. But I was so uninterested in doing anything to celebrate at all, and was unwillingly dragged along with Macgyver and the kids and their needs/wants. "Christmas morning" was as always, a very early start! After the initial unwrapping of the presents and clearing away the torn-off wrappings, I tried to get involved with the construction of certain toys (the ones within my capability that is), only to have the children really not want my help. They prefer Dad does these things, and don't really trust me too - not that anyone can blame them! So, feeling rejected from that, on top of the overwhelming grief and yearning for my third son, I went back to bed. I then spent the next two hours crying and sleeping, while Macgyver and the kids enjoyed their presents.

I was pretty upset that nobody seemed to miss me, nor come looking for me. But I wasn't really in the holiday mood, so maybe it was better that I distance myself? The children honestly didn't seem to mind. Not that it helps assuage my guilt.

On December 25th, the 'proper' Christmas day, we were at my MIL's for an extended family gathering. I was about 24 weeks pregnant with Li'l Miss at the time, and I really tried to be a little bit more social. Not that I was any more successful at that! Macgyver and I ended up missing out on most of the festivities, after I started bleeding and raced up to the ER. We spent about 6 hours there, where they found nothing to tell me why I had bled, but that nothing looked wrong and Li'l Miss's heartbeat was strong. Obviously I know now that nothing came of that, but the amount of stress that I felt that day.

When we arrived back at MIL's that evening, DH and I were shocked to see MIL in tears of relief over things being ok. OF course my cynical side was saying 'of course she's worried - this grandbaby is a girl' then feeling guilty for thinking such things. MIL may do things that we don't understand at times but she was hurt and grieving when we lost Laurent, and she does go visit his grave (more than us probably, as she lives only a short distance from the cemetery).

So that was last Christmas in all it's miserable glory. I'm looking forward to Christmas this year, to remembering why it brings so much joy and the gathering of our family and seeing all my children I am blessed to have here with me, enjoying everything, in a way that only young children can.

October 15th

2007-10-15T19:17:00.000+10:00

This candle holder was given to us by the woman who performed Laurent's funeral.

Tomorrow he would be 18 months old. It is so hard to believe that a year and a half has passed since I held him in my arms.

I have a friend with a little girl born about a month after Laurent was. I didn't actually meet B until a few weeks before Li'l Miss was born, so the similarities in age between her little girl and Laurent only occur to me at certain times. I'm surprised that I have these sudden thoughts of 'Laurent would be walking now, because Em is' or "I wonder if he'd be as shy with new people as Em?" Things that really make me wonder are what colour his eyes would've been and would his hair have stayed the same colour and as wavy as it was. Li'l Miss's hair hasn't changed much since she was born, but I think it is growing in a lighter colour. She never lost any though. It's slowly getting longer at the back and is still dead straight and dark and silky. But on top it's growing in a strawberry blonde colour. Both my older boys were bald at birth, so the hair thing is new to me!

I was thinking of posting a picture or two of Laurent, but decided not to just spring it on my readers without warning. Ok, I'm allowed to pretend I have a faithful following! If you are interested in seeing him you can check out his website here

I'm thinking of all the lost babies and their families tonight.

The one in which I talk about sleep deprivation

2007-10-14T17:03:00.000+10:00

Li'l Miss has suddenly become the worst sleeper. She was going so well at settling herself and starting to sleep for longer at night, but not so lately. She screams if she is put in her cot (crib) awake, or wails if she is put down when asleep. No matter how long we take to put her down, or how deep a sleep she is in, she just doesn't like it. I don't have too much of a problem during the week as I can get an afternoon nap in. For some reason she will still sleep perfectly fine for her afternoon nap. But, being the weekend, there are other children home at that time and that is interfering with her sleeping and mine! But such is life. I am not too fussed, as I know that she will eventually grow out of it. I don't want her to cut out her night-feeds as that is the only time I know she is feeding properly. During the day she gets much too distracted by anything and everything going on around her and loses interest in feeding at all. Of she's started that stage where she will stop feeding properly and wait until I look at her, before grinning up at me around the brea.st. It's so adorable, but makes feeds take twice as long!

I feel like a first-time parent with Li'l Miss sometimes. I'm not sure if it's just the amount of time that has past since I had a (living) baby, or if it's because she is a subsequent baby, or what. But honestly I wonder what I'm doing some days! I know that every child is different, and that every parent has to find what works for them. Maybe it is the physical distance from my own mother now. When the boys were younger in walking distance to Grandmas house. Mum had a much closer relationship with them and knew their personalities much better than she does with Li'l Miss.

Macgyver has started his own blog this week. It is solely for his study-buddies to share ideas and nerd-talk! I keep coming to sign into my blogger account, and end up at his now. I've already managed to comment on a blog under his alias! Funny stuff though, that his blogger name is Macgyver. He doesn't know that my online alias is Mrs Macgyver. He knows I have a blog and has read some posts here and there, but only noticed the Pyjama Mummy title. I have read his one and only post so far, and am reminded of what a witty person Macgyver is. I guess in all the day to day parenting, cooking, cleaning, chauffering, paying bills, etc etc, it is easy to forget the things that drew us to our partners.

I am stuck with a bit of a dilemma now though. Macgyver wants my comments on his blog, but I'm not sure who may link from there to here... I know that he has told several family members of his site, and I am not sure I want to make my presence online known to these people. I am able to share most of my thoughts and feelings with some people in real life, but not all feelings with all people - which is only natural. And where do i go to vent about certain people if they are to have access to this online sanctuary of mine?

Would you believe that people in real life describe me as witty? I find that my online alias gets bogged down explaining, describing and discussing and analyzing that I don't have much room left for much else. Oh my god, my blog bores me to tears, why would anyone else want to read it?! No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself or throwing a pity-party - though I am quite adept at that! I'm just stating how I feel about my personal contributions to the world of blogs.

Who remembers?

2007-10-12T19:01:00.000+10:00

I sometimes wonder if I am the only one that misses Laurent. Am I the only person that feels his absence, and wonders what he would add to our family's dynamics? Then The Boss will say something that makes me realise that he thinks about Laurent a lot more than I knew. He has decided to change his name, to include Laurent as another middle name, in memory of him. The Boss already has two middle names, after Macgyver's father, who died when Macgyver was 12. To add a third middle name is quite a mouthful. I don't know if he will officially change his name when he is old enough, or remember that he made this decision and a big announcement about it. But it's something that touches me so deeply, to have him remembering Laurent in his own way.

I wonder even more about Macgyver. He seldom mentions Laurent. He is never bothered that I talk about him so freely, and he encourages me to include Laurent in things such as a photo calendar I'm making for his mother. But he never really says or does anything that makes me aware that he is thinking of L. I just don't know if he thinks about Laurent at all anymore. It saddens me that he is so good at blocking negative thoughts and feelings, so much so that he will simply not think about our precious son at all. It is a painful memory at times, yes, but the love that I have for Laurent, and the joy that he did bring to us for such a short time, are not something I could ever deny. I talk about him when people ask about my children's births, and I include stories of being pregnant with him, and how we announced his pregnancy etc. He was my little man, and I just miss him so much. Is Macgyver's way of actively trying not to think about him normal? I know men deal with things so differently - well everyone deals with things differently, regardless. I remember having a very big fight with Macgyver about 2 months after Laurent was born. For me, the shock was starting to wear off, and the complete and total finality was really hitting home. I was finally starting to get the idea that I'd never get to hold Laurent in my arms again, or to see his face or hold his tiny hands ever again in this lifetime. I asked Macgyver if he even missed Laurent like I did, and why did I feel his loss so much more. Macgyver seemed to think that I was jealous of him being able to 'move past' the loss so quickly and to be able to enjoy life again moreso than I could. I was so furious with him for suggesting such a thing. I was missing my baby so much, and wasn't even thinking that I should be 'getting over' it. I couldn't even read posts on the online message boards that were written by people more than a few months further along in their grief. The idea that this intense grief would pass was just so foreign to me, that I could only relate to people that were going through it then too. I couldn't believe or even think about the future, getting out of bed was a big enough step at that time!

Well as usual I've managed to get completely off track with what I was intending to post about! I should post more often so that my posts are much more concise and can stick to the same topic. Of course I'd end up with 3-4 posts for one day, then nothing for several weeks.

On another note, the school holidays were very exhausting. Li'l Miss loved having her big sister around for more than the weekend. She really lights up for stepDD, and it's such a lovely thing to see. Monkey and The Boss seemed to realise just how much cleaning Mummy does around the house. They each have their own chores, but seldom do them without complaint. Hopefully seeing how much I do in comparison, will make them less resistant to completing their chores!

Too tired to blog...

2007-09-13T21:54:00.000+10:00

I didn't realise so much time had past since I put (figurative) pen to paper. I have not had the emotional energy to blog... oh ok, I was just feeling lazy!

I have been to The Principals office several times thanks to The Boss. He hasn't been misbehaving, just saying inappropriate things. My therapist thinks this could be a delayed reaction of his, to grief and confusion, and especially anxiety as to Li'l Miss's health and safety. We are currently looking into some therapy for him. I must admit, I am slightly apprehensive about that. I know that after Laurent was born, that I wasn't as tuned-in to the kids as usual, and that I was barely functioning for myself, let alone to care for them properly. Then to fall pregnant with Li'l Miss so quickly, that pushed me into a constant state of stress and fear and worry. I know that I did the best I could at the time, and that I couldn't help how I reacted in my grief etc, but understanding that, and being able to forgive myself are two different things.

Li'l Miss is growing up so fast. At times I wish I could pause life, to enjoy her baby-ness for as long as possible. I love seeing the way the children interact with her, and the way her whole face lights up when she sees them. She is such a happy baby, and so wide-eyed at the world. I wish I could bottle her baby giggle, to keep - for when she is a teenager and not so easily amused!

We are approaching school holidays again. I guess you would liken it to spring break? I am ashamed to admit that I am not looking forward to having that extra time with the boys. I have just managed to settle Li'l Miss into a routine, and I don't know how having her boisterous brothers around will confuse that! She loves to be the life of the party, and will fight sleep if they are home. But they are able to keep her entertained, especially Monkey, so maybe that will work in my favour? I will not miss the hurried mornings of trying to juggle Li'l Miss's feeding and demanding attention with making lunches, organising boys and their school activities etc and getting them out the door on time! Hopefully being able to start the day more peacefully will rub off on their attitudes and behaviour! They will certainly enjoy the opportunity to get outside and play and run and enjoy the fresh air more often. We've recently acquired a 'pet' frog, so I'm sure they will be busy trying to catch moths and insects to feed it.

I am sure to be kept very busy with the children, and even moreso as Macgyver will be away for 2/3 of the school break! Wish me luck - and lots of energy, patience and sillyness!

Look alikes

2007-08-16T15:27:00.000+10:00

Li'l Miss looks exactly like her big brothers. All three of them. When she is cranky she is the spitting image of The Boss. When she is happy she looks like Monkey. And when she is sleeping her resemblance to Laurent is amazing. When Li'l Miss was first born, she looked nothing like her brothers. I think this was because she was slightly premature, so didn't have much fat on her. Without the chubby cheeks, we couldn't see the resemblance. In fact she looked so unlike her big siblings when she was born, I asked DH Macgyver if he was sure she was mine!

I expected her to look like the boys. All three of my sons have been almost identical at birth. I don't have new babies, I just clo.ne the ones I've already got! I spent the first few hours looking at her, trying to figure out who this strange-looking baby was and where had she come from. Looking back I realise that maybe, subconsciously, a small part of me really did think i could almost replace Laurent. Since all the boys looked the same (and the big two still look so alike that people often ask if they are twins) maybe I did think that "close enough was good enough." I guess being blessed with pink bootees this time is a bigger blessing than people realise. I would have loved another boy, in fact I was slightly shocked and disappointed that Li'l Miss was a miss. After Li'l Miss was born, and visiting hours were over, I just sat and stared at this strange baby, that I couldn't believe was mine. Then she woke up, and she looked up at me, and suddenly I could see my DH in her. I could see step-DD in her. And I realised that she was in fact mine, and that she didn't look exactly like her brothers, but that was ok.

When she is asleep now though, she pulls what I call her "Laurent-faces" and it makes my heart skip a beat. I love seeing glimpses of what he Might have looked like in her, at the same time as it feeling ripped off that I can't enjoy her just for her. It is an incredibly unique tug on my heart, mixed with so much love for this baby that may not have been here if her brother had lived. These feelings are not ones I was expecting. In all honesty I couldn't focus on anything past getting this baby here safely. But now she IS here, and she has brought so much to our lives already. I'm sure that she will grow out of this stage of looking like Laurent, when she starts to look less like a baby and more like a little girl. But my big boys will always have certain expressions that make me think of Laurent, and I know that I will spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been? Who he would have been, what his personality would have added to the family's dynamics. People tell me that I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but how can they expect me to just forget him?

Days like these...

2007-08-12T16:01:00.001+10:00

Some days I really wish I had a rewind button. Or at the very least a pause button, to give myself time to think before I act/speak.

I can always use the excuse that I'm tired (extremely, up-and-down-all-night-with-a-baby, plus tending-to-a-sick-child's-cries-during-the-night, sleepless-type-of-tired), or the lovely hormones of AF again, or even that DH has been extremely busy with his studies, leaving me less 'down-time' but none of those excuses really fly. I have just had too many impatient, frustrated, evil-mummy moments the last three days.

Li'l Miss has decided that sleep is over-rated, and is sleeping less and less every night. Monkey has been sick, and coughing all night, and when he is sick he becomes very clingy to Mummy. It's very hard trying to convince my 5 year old that he can wait for a cuddle while Mummy is feeding the baby. I find it very overwhelming when I know that I can't meet his needs, especially when he is feeling unwell and just wants me.

And The Boss is really trying my patience, every second of every day he has been getting under my skin. He seems to enjoy annoying his little brother, and has become whiny and sulky if I ever expect anything of him, such as finishing his dinner or putting his school bag away. The Boss wants to be lord and master of his universe and cannot understand that Mummy and Daddy want what is best for him, and as his parents, we sometimes have to make him do things that are "un-fun" and boring to keep him healthy and safe. This is a daily challenge with The Boss, but the last two days, I have just been less-than-patient, more frustrated and well, just plain mean and cranky. I am not proud of the way I have spoken to The Boss, and how cranky I have gotten over things that are insignificant in the long-run. I mean really, if something happened to either of us, wouldn't I regret spending so much time yelling at him to make him keep quiet so as not to wake the baby? Yes without sleep, Li'l Miss will be fussy and grizzly, but is it really the end of the world?

I know that setting boundaries and discipline is important, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, when they become all out battles over something so small. I don't want to be the kind of parent that spends 90% of their time arguing with their children, or ordering them around, but time after time this happens when The Boss flat out refuses to do something and will defiantly stare me down as if to say "..and you can't make me." Monkey doesn't enjoy doing his chores either, but he will react by throwing a kicking screaming tantrum, which I find easier to ignore! He gets over that pretty quickly and goes on with his chore as if nothing happened. But this reasoning and constant debating with TB has really worn me out.

By the time all the kids were fed, bathed and in bed last night, I just sat and cried, out of sheer exhaustion, guilt at the way I'd spoken to them, and well, for the time when I didn't have to see to 4 other people's needs before my own. I think that feeling guilty though, is leading to more and more self-doubt and guilty feelings. I just wish I could snap out of it, and find that confident mother that I used to be. I was never perfect or anything remotely close, but I never beat myself up for my mistakes like this.

When does sad become depressed?

2007-08-09T17:28:00.000+10:00

I have had pos7na7al (pos7par7um) depression before, so you'd think I would know what to look for/expect. Apparently not so, as I'm posting this.

The hospital social worker and the maternal/child health nurse both informed me that I have a high risk factor for developing PND, because I've had so before, and because Li'l Miss is a subsequent baby. Every check-up sees my doctor peering at me intently, asking "How are you doing emotionally?" It's interesting that they all care so much now but were nowhere to be found when I was looking for a referral to a counselor after Laurent was born. Well, now I am starting to wonder if I am suffering PND, and nobody is asking. How does one bring this up, after 3 months of saying no no no, I'm fine...

I am not sure if it even is PND, or just the reality of sleepless nights, coupled with all the 'have-nots' that are glaringly obvious with Li'l Miss. Every little thing that she does can be a reminder of what I never got to experience with Laurent. Every time she smiles, or grabs my finger or feeds, there is a tug on my heart for my little man who never got the chance to do these things. Surely it's natural to feel this, and for me to feel sad. Sometimes I think that there is part of me that chooses to feel sad. As if not feeling this way is tantamount to forgetting Laurent. I know that this is not the case, and that there will probably come a time that Li'l Misses every action is not a reminder of what I'm missing. At least I hope so, considering that she is a girl and will do things that I am sure I wouldn't have experienced with Laurent!

Partly I think that my feelings are also caused by a sense of helplessness as a parent. The Boss is being a real handful this week, and I am just about ready to throw up my hands in frustration. He has been in trouble at school for being slightly violent with other students, and at home he is just so in my face oppositional. I am almost at the stage of wanting to hide in my bedroom when the boys are home from school. Macgyver and I have discussed ways to manage this behaviour in The Boss, and have an action plan so to speak.

Then there are his endless questions that I simply cannot answer. Thank Goodness Macgyver lives up to his name! He is able to answer all of The Boss's technical q's and has an answer for the constant "why?" that is asked.

It has been very enlightening to see how much Monkey is causing dramas with his brother, that previously we hadn't seen. Monkey has wholeheartedly embraced his role as the annoying younger brother, and will do anything in his power to make The Boss yell or get cranky.

Speaking of cranky, it's that time of day that Li'l Miss tells us all whats wrong in her world! I'd better go and see to her now.

Update on T and M's baby: Poor bubby has 3 holes in his heart. He will require at least one surgery to repair them. Otherwise he is in good health. Feeding like a champ, and sleeping well. Not sure if/when he will be allowed home, due to his heart condition.

Another baby born!

2007-07-31T14:42:00.001+10:00

T and his wife (the not so nice one that I posted about earlier) had their baby boy yesterday. To read about my issues with T's wife M go here.

I don't know many details, nor do we really see them very often, but T and Macgyver are good friends. Macgyver got a message from T last night after the original announcement, saying that their little man is "one of the special few affectionately known as downy's" He said there may be a tear or two, but suck it up, cos they are in love with their new addition.

First off it is fantastic that they have told everyone about Bubby in such a positive way. It is a far cry from the days of old, when such children were kept at home and nobody ever spoke about how they are different. I know that it's probably not easy hearing that your child is different, but honestly to have a healthy son that is going to bring such laughter and delight to their lives is such a blessing!

I know that they will probably grieve for their son's loss of a "normal life" and that this is a normal reaction. I've heard it described as getting on a plane to France, only to be told that you've arrived in Germany. It's still a great trip, but not exactly the one you had planned.

This news has affected me in several ways. Firstly I feel somewhat guilty as I almost expected something to go wrong for their baby. I knew M was attempting a V*BAC and how risky this can be. I also probably felt a lot of anger towards M, after the comments she made and her whole attitude towards me after Laurent was born. I guess in the back of my mind I didn't think she deserved a healthy baby, when I didn't get mine.

There is a part of me that is still very Pissed Off about this, as I know that M may possibly not bond as easily, or that she may at times resent bubby boy for being different, and bringing new challenges to her life.

I guess that in the long run, the chance that she is less than happy about having her son, living, breathing and in her arms and not being 100% happy because he is different, is going to irk me. My next door neighbours had a son with dow.ns syndrom3 and he was (and probably still is, i just haven't seen them in years) the sweetest, happiest child you could know. Generally speaking, these special people are so open and lovely, and I know that M's boy will bring them so much love and joy. The slightest possibility that they aren't happy to have him just devastates me. I can't say exactly how I'd react if I were in their situation, but I do know that I'd give anything to have my son here with me. I guess the only thing I couldn't live with, would be knowing he was living in pain. Having him suffering would be so heartbreaking, but otherwise, I'd take him any way I could...

There is also the whole 'grief scale' factor too. How stupid and shallow am I to care about this?! Basically the whole of society ranks your grief, and treats you accordingly. I'm sure that this will
push my grief down the scale, as people assume more and more, that I should be "over it" whereas M will have the rest of her life to grieve the loss of normal, and to be overwhelmed with everything. It's ironic that she gets both her living child in her arms, and the right to grieve that which she won't get. I, on the other hand, do not have Laurent with me, and the more time that passes since he was born, the less i am "allowed" to mention him, grieve for him and acknowledge him.

I wrote this post to get these feelings out, and I don't think i've even come close. I feel like I'm sounding so petty and shallow.... I just feel so jealous that their little boy is here, even though he's not "perfect." You know what... I don't even believe that. Just because he is different, and society will probably judge him for that, that doesn't mean that he isn't perfect!

My fave subject

2007-07-26T18:19:00.000+10:00

Can I force people to feel comfortable when I talk about Laurent? Is is possible that I can ever mention anything about being pregnant with him, or delivering him, and not have an awkward silence follow? I am trying dammit!

I think that it's natural of me to mention him and certain things about labour and birth. My MIL had a miscarriage before my DH's younger brother was born, and she still mentions that, without any weirdness. My Mum also suffered two miscarriages, and it's common knowledge and occasionally comes up in conversations without pause. Why should my experience be perceived any differently? Is it because my baby was a he, not an it? He has a name and we have photos and footprints, locks of his hair etc. Does that make me entitled to a "secret baby" I wonder.

I have to admit that it doesn't stop me talking about him. Even knowing that the reaction I get will be a strained silence, or having the other person suddenly unable to look me in the eye. I am even getting better at mentioning him, then directing the conversation onto other things. That is a lot easier since having Li'l Miss. I can say something about Laurent being the biggest baby I've given birth to, and Li'l Miss was the smallest. It's quite interesting to see how people will latch onto the snippet of info about Li'l Miss. As if I hadn't mentioned Laurent at all. But thats ok. It allows me to talk about him and not have everyone staring at the ground, or sharing 'significant looks with each other, the ones that say "I can't believe she is talking about this again."

I don't know what it is that makes me think about him all the time lately. Maybe it's because around this time two years ago that he was conceived. Maybe it's how much Li'l Miss's personality is starting to come out now, reminding me again, on all the things I'll never know. Perhaps it's how much my older boys are changing, every day. I don't know that he would've looked as much like them as I imagine. Maybe it's just that I want to remember him, and have him in my thoughts so much. I'm scared of losing him. If I don't remember him, who will? I just miss him, all the time. I feel such a gaping hole in our lives, where he should be. I don't think that will ever change...

Gosh I'm a bit depressive tonight. I guess here, online, is one of the only places I feel truly comfortable sharing these thoughts and feelings, which means readers (thats assuming there are people reading!) will probably get a very one-sided view of me. There are so many other facets to moi... can i get back to you on those, when I've had a little more sleep?

The baby is here!

2007-07-23T19:27:00.000+10:00

Lauren's little princess was born on Thursday!

I've been very busy, oh ok lazy, so haven't gotten around to posting about it. Long story short, she was induced, due to the blood pressure issue. She is doing well, though still in special care nursery until she can regulate her body temp and her blood sugars.

Oops Li'l Miss is demanding a feed now, so I'll have to post more later...

Why now?

2007-07-18T12:40:00.000+10:00

I was laying in bed last night, listening to Li'l Miss breathing - I cannot sleep unless I can hear her taking breaths, thankfully there is enough space in my bedroom to fit her cot! Anyway, as I was laying there, I was mentally going through all the things I had to do the next day. I reminded myself that the boys wouldn't be able to find their socks, as they were all in the wash (thanks to our dogs sock fetish lol), and that I'd have to put them in the dryer tomorrow, etc.

Then all of a sudden I was thinking "Did Laurent have socks?" I remember, very clearly, going shopping for an outfit for him to be buried in. I honestly didn't have to, but my MIL and DH had packed up all of Laurent's clothes and furniture to store at MIL's house. MIL basically chose three outfits that she thought were suitable (and would fit my big boy!) out of his clothes and told me to choose which ones he'd wear. I wasn't happy that she'd taken it upon herself to narrow down the choice of clothes, nor that I felt as if his things were suddenly off-limits to me. Anyway, I went shopping specifically to buy an outfit and blankie to bury my beautiful baby boy in - not a great experience!

Thinking back on it now, I cannot remember if I bought socks. I may have given the funeral director a pair of socks from the clothes we already had, but I definitely didn't buy them. I am wracking my brain, trying to remember if Laurent was wearing socks, and while I can't remember them clearly, I'm sure he wasn't barefooted. It's so strange though, for me to be thinking "I hope his feet aren't cold." I am worried about my dead baby's comfort, and that his feet are warm! It bothers me that I cannot remember this small detail. I was sure that I'd never forget anything about that time, and yet here I am, not much more than a year later and I'm forgetting.

I talked to my sister, who was by my side almost every minute, from the time Laurent was born til his funeral and days after. She assures me that yes he did have socks on, they were navy blue to match his jacket. She has a very vivid memory of discussing this with myself and Mum. We all had agreed that he had to have socks to keep his feet warm. I don't know why I can't remember that.

My therapist says that I will probably feel the urge to "parent" Laurent for the rest of my life. It's good that I can parent my other children, and that I have a new baby to give all that care to, but it will never fill that gap. I basically have to learn to live with not having that opportunity.

Reminders of Laurent have been everywhere today. My boys chose a teddy bear each to go into Laurent's casket. Dad, who made the casket, told the boys that they couldn't choose teddies that were too big, so they chose little blue bears, that I see everywhere now. Monkey chose a light blue one that says Baby Boy. The Boss chose a darker blue and it says "Little Champ" on it. I've seen them at least five times today while shopping. I think I may have to buy a pair to keep at home...

Quick Update

2007-07-12T14:34:00.000+10:00

Lauren has been in touch, and so far is staying put. The doctors are not in any hurry to induce labour and get Miss Maddie here now, but they are not letting her go home either. At first they thought that Lauren's blood pressure was too high due to stress, but there is also prote.in in the uri.ne which could indicate pre-eclampsia.

After a scan today to check on bubs, Lauren is still waiting on word of what is happening next. But it appears that they will either send her to a bigger hospital to deliver now, or keep monitoring her, but deliver by 38 weeks. I am trying to give as much support as I can, but from so far away, there really isn't a lot I can do. I just hope and pray for Maddie's safe arrival!

Meeting in Real Life!

2007-07-11T13:47:00.000+10:00

What a surreal experience meeting an 'online buddy' in real life is! This weekend I was lucky enough to meet one of the many friends I've made online. Lauren and I first met at ivillage, then began emailing each other, before progressing to instant messaging.

Lauren and I have so much in common. She lost her son the same week Laurent was born, and both her bubby and mine were stillborn due to the same viral infection we'd both caught during our pregnancies. She also has two big boys, and is now pregnant with a girl, so I went along to visit and go to her baby sprinkle. Thats what she called it, as she didn't want anything major, just a few necessities such as wipes, nappies, baby bath etc. I ended up meeting her whole family while I was there!

The experience was so surreal. I know we were both extremely nervous about meeting face to face but it turned out well. It was hard to imagine a "real" person instead of reading text. But it's fantastic to have a voice and personality to put to the emails and messages now! Our DH's got along well, and our kids played together (mostly) nicely. It was a great time, and we're both looking forward to catching up in person again soon!

But now that I've crossed that bridge, all my online buddies that are on the other side of the world had better watch out! I just might decide to visit them! Ah it's a nice thought, but just not possible at this stage. Maybe in the not-too-distant future though...

Lauren was a sanity-saver for me during the last few weeks of Li'l Miss' pregnancy. I found that I could get through most of the day, feeling ok, and holding it together, but as soon as my kids were tucked in bed, and I had free time I became a lovely little bundle of stress. I would just feel so out of control, and just needed somebody to vent to, and to talk me down! Lauren was my lifeline and would listen to my ramblings and help get me through another night of what felt like a never-ending pregnancy!

Arghhhhhhh, as i was typing this post, I got a message from Lauren, saying she is being admitted to hospital overnight for observation. Her blood pressure has been a little too high for her doc's liking, so she may be having her bubby a little earlier than planned!! I am now a ball of stress and excitement for her! She is 36+4 weeks pregnant, and I've been teasing her for the last month that I had Li'l Miss at 36+6 weeks. She was in denial of having her baby so soon. I think she was hoping to go a couple of days overdue, to give herself time to mentally prepare!

Honestly I cannot wait for this little girl to be born, so that I can breathe a sigh of relief! I had no idea how hard it was to support somebody through a sub-pregnancy!! Big kudo's sent out to Lauren and my other lovely support people Lea and Michelle, who helped keep me sane until Li'l Miss was in my arms! Lea herself has gone through a sub-pregnancy, so she understood my craziness! But wow, did I underestimate the stress and high emotions of supporting somebody else through it.

Why do I do this?

2007-07-05T17:50:00.000+10:00

The kiddies had their photos done professionally today. I think, on reflection, that I should have waited until Li'l Miss was a little bit older, and smiling on command better! But I think they will turn out nicely. We mostly did group shots of "all" the children, but I made sure to get some individual pics of Li'l Miss done too. They grow up so fast, so we wanted to capture some of her baby-stage now. I've made sure to have all the babies photos done around this age, it is just so special.

But I cannot help but feel that tug on my heart when I think that one is missing. It actually took me a long time after we lost Laurent, before I was able to have photos taken of all the children together again. I think it was their christmas photos that finally 'made me' deal with that issue. I do have a blue teddy bear that is included in such photos, to be symbolic of Laurent. But honestly, how long can I continue that. Could you imagine me going to my children's graduations, or weddings and asking them to include Laurent's teddy?? OMG that is a funny thought. As it is now, I can include the teddy and the photographers think that it's just a 'security' item that the children need, and I never have to explain it.

I have to assume that some time in the future I will not need the visual reminder of the child who isn't here, though I'm sure I will always think he is missing, and feel like our family is incomplete. I can't imagine Laurent ever being a 'secret' child. He is/was my son, just as much as my living children are and I don't want to forget him, or act ashamed of him. I do however not always 'count' him when asked how many children I have, but this is to avoid the awkward silences, and to protect myself and my children from less-than-helpful comments.

I have realised today that I talk about my life as a before and after. Actually I even think of it that way. I was chatting to StepDD about when we went to Australia Zoo (Yes that is the zoo that Steve Irwin owned, and yes he was still alive when we went, and at the zoo at the time!). I was pregnant with Laurent at the time we went, and StepDD, told me that I always talk about things in relation to being pregnant. We went someplace when I was pregnant with Li'l Miss, or we did such and such just after Laurent was born* she sing-songed at me. I laughed and told her that I used to hassle my Mum and Dad about the same thing, but that 1) it's the easiest way to remember when something was and 2) it just goes to show how important all the children are that I remember everything in relation to how old they were! But it did make me notice that I think of life as a before.

*I ALWAYS say when Laurent was born, not when he died. Occasionally I will say something happened in relation to when we lost him, but only if it's related.

I have also noticed that I need to find some cute nicknames for my boys in this blog. I am not so comfortable using their names, but am not going to refer to them as DS1 and DS2. I could always call them by any one of their nicknames, but these change with the boys moods, and also it would give readers the wrong idea about my sons personalities. I simply cannot sum them up in one word. DS1 would at the moment be cranky-pants, as he is very stubborn and wants, no needs things to go his way. But that will not express his quick mind that you cannot slip anything past, his thirst to know the ins and outs of everything, or his wacky sense of humour. DS2 would right now be sooky-la-la, but again this will not convey his cheekiness, his complete and utter adoration of his baby sister, and need to help out with her as much as he can. His sweet, gentle nature, that is at complete odds with his hyperactive silly side that cannot be tamed! StepDD is at the moment on the brink between childishness and becoming a tween. She varies from the very mature and helpful girl, to the silly, goofy, need-you-to-look-at-me-right-now behaviour. She has attitude and bravado sometimes, but needs constant attention, affection and reassurance at others. I will have to get thinking about pseudonyms for these little darlings... Any idea's?

1 year 2 months, 2 weeks, 3 days....

2007-07-03T11:20:00.000+10:00

Just wanted to check on Laurent's ticker, and Yay it is working again!

I do tend to add a day to that count though, as being in Australia I am one day ahead. When creating the ticker, it didn't have a place to put your timezone or date so that the counting would be accurate to me. Oh well.

On that note, I would also like to point out that I am not an atrocious speller, I am spelling things the Australian way! Words like neighbour, labour, colour etc are all supposed to have the 'u' there. Realise is spelled with an 'ise' not 'ize' and I'm sure there are many others. So please do not shake your head at my spelling, but accept that I spell it properly for the country I am in! :D

To Post or Not To Post?

2007-07-02T19:38:00.000+10:00

What is going on with Laurent's ticker? I've noticed many other blogger's tickers working, with others appearing empty too. What is it that causes some tickers to stop working? I'm tempted to create another ticker, through a different website, to ensure this doesn't happen again!

It's ridiculous how upsetting I find it seeing Laurent's ticker empty. I know that logically the ticker is in no way taking him away from me anymore. Yet it is one of the things I have that remind me of him and his short time with me. My biggest fear is that we will lose all our precious photos and memento's in a house-fire or natural disaster. It's getting to the point that I am apprehensive about returning home after a weekend away. I have gotten copies of all the photos we have and sent one set to MIL's and another set to my mothers, but it does little to assuage my fears.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling very needy of late. Macgyver has been busy with his exams (he's studying mechatronic engineering), and I've been feeling lonely without him around as much. I was looking forward to the end of exams, to having him home again to occupy the big kids while I'm busy with Li'l Miss. But of course, it doesn't turn out that way. Macgyver is instead spending his vacation time on doing a massive project for a friend. Some nerdy thing to do with programming computers to control a manufacturing machine to help this guy get his home business running more efficiently. He will be getting paid, and quite well too, so I shouldn't complain. It's just disappointing to have him so immersed in one of his projects and not have the attention for me or the kids. He still helps out a lot, but I have to ask for every little thing when he's distracted like this. I'm also a bit peeved that he's jumped into helping this friend T, when about 12 months ago he pitched ideas to T and whatnot, only to have T's wife and friend's talk him out of using Macgyver's help. Now that T is suddenly desperate for help, it annoys me that Macgyver will give up time with our family to do everything T needs. I suppose I should probably point out that while T is a great guy that we are good friends with, his wife is not so nice. This is the woman who brought her newborn baby to my baby's funeral, then got offended when T hugged me. She is also the person who told my best friend and my SIL that they shouldn't check up on me, or try and be supportive of me and that if I was sooo upset, that I should just go and have another baby to "fix it." Hmm can you tell I still have issues with that? I'm not even going to go there!

On a happier note, I have been busy going through photos of Li'l Miss, trying to decide which ones to put in her scrapbook. A very dear friend of mine made a beautifully stunning scrapbook when I was pregnant with Li'l Miss and I am so thrilled to have it. I am excited to be filling it with photo's and journalling soon. I have purposely stopped myself from doing it before now, as I didn't want to have the entire thing full before Li'l Miss was even a few months old! I am going to choose only my absolute favourite pics and start sticking them in soon. Oooh can't wait! I will post some pics when I get a chance!

Will these feelings go away.

2007-06-28T10:29:00.000+10:00

I still can't stand to see pregnant women. DH has just found out that his cousin and girlfriend are expecting. OF course everyone is excited, especially as this cousin is now in his late 30's and 'not the settling-down type" I am happy for them, I really am. But nothing is a given anymore.

I have given them tips on managing the pregnancy, but cannot talk about when their baby is here. Things that helped with morning sickness, heartburn, back-ache. But nothing about bringing home a new baby. I don't know that it will happen that way. DH has been talking about sleepless nights, and the different personalities of our children as babies. I don't know why I'm not as confident as he is that they will bring their baby home.

You'd think that having had a subsequent pregnancy and being able to bring that baby home would help me trust the universe again. I should be able to look at things a little bit more realistically, knowing how many success stories there are. Sometimes I look at it like I'm the unlucky statistic. That because of my heartbreaking loss, 99 other pregnant women will get to bring their babies home. Dunno if this is helpful or hurtful.

I have three living children, and one precious boy we didn't get to bring home. Why can't i even focus on the happy ending from the majority of my pregnancies? 75% of my pregnancies resulted in a live birth of a healthy baby. I'd say screaming, but Li'l Miss didn't cry. I'd spent the past 9 months waiting to hear that cry, needing to have some noise when this baby was born, not the sound of my own anguished cries. Yet she was quiet, and calm, and looked up at Mummy and Daddy with a slightly shocked expression. Seeing her eyes open was enough....

2007-06-27T23:20:00.001+10:00

Check out this cutie-pie!

First Entry

2007-06-27T22:04:00.000+10:00

So... this is my blog.

It won't be a long post, for two reasons. 1) I'm one-handed here, with my sweet baby girl snuggled up with me, and 2) It took me so long to find an acceptable blog-name that wasn't already taken, that I've forgotten what I wanted to write about in th first place!

I have been meaning to start a blog sooner or later to get out all these thoughts and feelings since having my "rainbow baby" and the feelings that are still floating around inside me since having my precious baby boy and losing him. But more on that later.